In my early 20'​s i managed a convenience store. I came in one morning and asked the overnight shift guy how things were, he said "​uneventf​ul"​. a few minutes later I was counting out the register, and noticed a perfectly round hole in the counter next to it. I asked Figgy (yes Figgy, his name was Mike, but he wanted to be called Figgy) if the maintenance guys had come in early to install a new point-of-sale or something on the counter, hence the hole. He said, and I quote: "​No, I had a gas run last night, and i got mad about it and shot the counter."​ It took me a few seconds before i did a double-take and my best Sheila Broflovsky "​what-what-what?"​ and he showed me the .38 revolver he apparently always had on him while working.

A soccer mom doing some temp work tells me one day her husband is a really great guy because he spends his free time helping to "​clean up the internet."​

I ask her what she means and she told me she found a bunch of porn in husbands web browser history. He informed her that he goes to porn sites to download the porn off of the internet servers onto his computer so that he can delete it. Apparently there'​s a lot of porn on the internet, but he was trying to do what he could to remove as much of it as possible - for the children and all...

She actually believes that he is doing this and uses it as a bragging point to show what a great guy her husband is in conversations.

The first 30 minutes of my first day this girl storms into my office, hands on her hips, and says "​I'​m Vicki!"​

"​Hi Vicki, I'​m BobKelso."​

"​I know that you computer people can see everything. And if you hack my bank accounts, I'​ll sue you!!!"​

"​Well Vicki, don'​t use company resources to conduct your personal banking and we shouldn'​t have a problem."​

She didn'​t speak to me for three months.

I accidentally knocked down a bunch of stuff in the ladies office who I was interviewing with when I went to sit down. Like it was an avalanche of stuff tumbling down. In my defense though, the office was a mess. I got the job and worked there a few years.

My boss came back from a trip and i left them a 6 pack in the walk-in. She found it and said everything was fine. 2 weeks later she fired me for bringing alcohol to work.!!!

One day at work people were being overly- helpful and nice. Even the maintenance guys that are usually rather rude. It was not until half way through the day when my co worker offered to give me a tour that i realized something was up. WHAT WAS GOING ON? Oh, yeah, i wore makeup that day. I had plans after work so dressed up a little, apparently it made such a difference that people i am with 40+ hours a week for the past year didn'​t recognize me. Made me feel rather ugly. =/ And they say beauty is natural. . .

And here'​s a submission most likely submitted by a 14 year old:

My job is the best job over the world, i'​m porno actor and i f*** you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My boss smoked me up one day after work, and then in the morning handed me my 24 hour notice telling me that I would be taking a drug test tomorrow.

I am a stand up comic, but as a day job I used to work at a dress shop doing data entry for their website. Once I realized I didn'​t need the job anymore I decided it was time to try to pull off a Seinfeld George Costanza worthy getting fired. I donned a floral printed spandex suit and sufficiently pre-gamed the occasion. On one of my normal work days I went into the office with coffee for everyone and a beer for me. I stuffed candy down my spandex suit and waltzed into the office screaming, "​ATTENTION PLEASE CUSTOMERS AND EMPLOYEES, ATTENTION! A GREAT MAN HAS A SPEECH TO MAKE!"​ I stood on top of the cashier'​s counter and made a five minute speech about my departure from the company for medical marijuana and moonshine, life, this that and the epic philosophical quotes I could remember. I cracked the beer and chugged it.
That'​s when I was informed the boss had not come in that day!
Figures while pulling a Costanza something should go wrong.
I had them take a picture of me in my spandex, with the beer at her desk and put it on her desktop background. Then I called her from her office phone. When she picked up she started to scold me for being late for work. I said, "​Hold it! None of that matters."​ Screaming on her end at this point, "​What the hell are you talking about!"​ I told her I was drinking a beer at her desk with a snickers bar down my spandex crotch. "​I don'​t know why you'​re doing that,"​ she said, "​what do you want?"​
"​I want you to fire me."​
"​fine your fired!"​
"​Yes! Thank you!"​ and I hung up, gave the hottest girl in the office my number and waltzed out of there for another fresh beer.

We had a coworker who lost her mother 3 months ago and couldn'​t finish her projects, so we did what we could to make her job easier. Last week another coworker just returned to the office from invasive surgery and is doing the best she can, so we'​re helping her. Sadly, the first coworker who lost her mother didn'​t see the need to help this coworker out because "​it wasn'​t her job"​...